A year has passed and I am still alive. Still intact and still I think about that moment every day (some days more, some days less). I survived. Not like was in real danger of actual physical death, just damage that would have been a mental death. I can't imagine if I hadn't fought back, if I had kept it a secret. But, I am changed. I think about the possibility of it happening again and I plan. I don't let myself get close or my guard down. I will be ready if it ever happens again.

Portlandia

Being in Portland is strange, for sure. I don't know if it is because everyone has changed or nothing has changed. Walking around today I still kind of feel like I go here for some reason. Seeing everyone has been nice but very crazy. I feel like a chicken with out a head running blindly everywhere trying to make time for everyone. It's good though, I have missed people (very much). Maybe when I go back to El Paso I will be so tired from going everywhere that I won't feel as lonely anymore. I know I have to start to say good-bye. I don't think I am ready...but maybe by Renn Fayre I will be. One more trip.

In other news the fall is amazing. I love it. I missed it so very much. I love the different color leaves and the cool air and the mist. It is just so lovely and romantic, I feel like I belong in Washington Irving story today. Halloween. Spooky coolness in the air. I love it.

Also...I think I have to start admitting to myself that I really do want to go to grad school.

I have decided on a sort of future plan

Grad school...Masters in History with museum studies
Film school
Try working for PBS or the history channel or sell my soul to Hollywood (maybe open my own business)

Things I want to do in the in between.... travel, study in Scotland, work on a Native American Reservation, fall in love, find a place where I wouldn't mind living for more than 4 years, make movies, learn how to develop film, and write a book.

Tears...

I find my self crying tonight for reason or no reason I really understand fully. I miss my friends. I miss being able to call Jason or Amber or Robin or anyone and have them be 3-7 min. away. I miss blackberries. I miss trying to live organic and walking in the canyon. My whole body aches for Reed and Portland and my life there. I don't know who I am. It is like part of me has died.

On Thursday I wore an "outfit", though I wouldn't call it that, that I would feel fine wearing in Portland. I walked to campus for my class....and I felt like everyone was staring at me. I felt like I didn't belong. Now maybe this is my paranoid sense taking over and just feeling like people in El Paso are less likely to understand me over Reedies. But here...people really pay attention to what is fashionable. It is like they all watch What Not To Wear and take notes rather than picking up a book. I must stop here to say, not all people in El Paso are like that, I am sure, but this is more of a generalization. But when I walk to campus I feel like I reading a fashion magazine. I am brought back to feeling like I am in high school and not good enough, geeky and awkward and ugly.

Working for the military is slightly amusing from time to time. Though...I probably shouldn't say too much because of all the papers I signed and well some of you could be terrorists (or so they say). My co-worker Ignacio and I are fairly similar and he kind of reminds me of Jason. We argue over philosophy and talk about his messed up love/marriage with his lady. He understands me mostly. He told me people come back to El Paso to recharge. He also says the darnest things. I plan on writing them down for posterity or at least to laugh about later. The other day we had security training, which personally I think they should hire me to do these things. If I was in charge of security it would da'bomb (yes I just wrote that, deal with it). I am paranoid and understand how the deviant mind works (hello deviant thinking should be my alias or something). I do however sometimes have ethical issues working for a military contractor. I wish I didn't need money.

The more I think about grad school the more I think about how I am not good enough. My GPA sucks (and I worked hard...really hard). I don't think I am a strong enough candidate. But I don't see any other path in my life right now. I love history.

Also I wish I could fall in love. There have been crushes and flirtations but nobody really serious. Nobody that I could trust. Never having a boyfriend or relationship of the type is hard. I think when your 22 people assume that you have had certain experiences and I haven't. I know what some of you are thinking, big deal, you just weren't ready. But when am I going to stop being not ready, how much longer can I use that as an excuse. Maybe I will never find anyone that I like in that way and that likes me back. I have liked plenty of guys enough to want to date them but they just haven't had the same feelings for me. I wonder if that is how my life is going to be, single and doomed to always be that girl. Girls that never have boy friends or romance exist don't they? I can't be the only one.

I just feel so lost. And I wish Jason were here so I could talk to him and make it feel okay because nobody brings you back to reality like your best friend.

Conversation with Mom part 10003497

Tonight I was watching CSI with my mom, which we normally do and the following conversation ensued:

Mom: You know Valarie Bertanelli? She was married to that guy in Van Halen? His name is Eddie something or another. You know they sing that song Jump. What is it?
Me: Van Halen. His name is Eddie Van Halen. He is the one jumping.
Mom: Really? I always thought Van was the first name.

Doh!

The context was a class discussion and how she was cooler than her students because she knew that Eddie No Known Last Name from Van Halen was married to Valarie from the Jenny Craig commercials.

HAHAHAHAH! This is a typical conversation.

I have got to start telling myself that: just because you can't win doesn't mean you are a loser.

I know this and I normally don't care about wining because I hate competition. However there are just some things that I want and well...I guess I am going to have to try harder and remember that not everyone hates me.

I am so lonely and bored. I really miss my friends today. I keep offering to fly Jason out here to visit me but he refuses to let me spend money on him, but isn't that what best friends are for? I don't care about money. I must want my friends. I keep trying to make friends here but everyone already seems to have their little clique or group and don't really like to let new people join. Oh well...try harder. Work harder. Etc.

I know I feel lost and directionless because I can't get over Portland and Reed and people there. To find my path I am going to have to move on (and stop thinking about the past), enjoy it for what it was but move on.

Careers (my thoughts)

Cross posted to my lj with the whole list available there.

1.Director of Photography
Fair Match (I would totally do this)

2.Historian
Good Match (woot)

3.Animator
Fair Match (hmmm...)

4.Desktop Publisher
Fair Match (*yawn*)

5.Cartoonist / Comic Illustrator
Fair Match (Banky Edwards at your service (and I really hope you know where this comes from))

6.Set Designer
Fair Match (hot)

7.Costume Designer
Fair Match (I knew this would be one)

8.Artist
Very Good Match (I like money too much, but it would be wonderful)

9.Musician
Very Good Match (what!!!!!I don't know how to play anything)

10.Medical Illustrator
Fair Match (What the hell is this?)

But I also liked:
13.Comedian
Good Match (I have thought about this one)

15.Dancer
Very Good Match (what like exotic?)

20.Critic
Very Good Match (Who isn't surprised?)

25.Professional Athlete
Fair Match (HAHAHAHAHAHA!)

31.Political Aide
Fair Match (I don't do that)

40.Corporate Trainer
Very Good Match (My mom says yes, I would, I say pant suits eeek)

To get your own:
1. Go to http://www.careercruising.com/;
2. Put in Username: nycareers, Password: landmark;
3. Take their "Career Matchmaker" questions;