Tears...

I find my self crying tonight for reason or no reason I really understand fully. I miss my friends. I miss being able to call Jason or Amber or Robin or anyone and have them be 3-7 min. away. I miss blackberries. I miss trying to live organic and walking in the canyon. My whole body aches for Reed and Portland and my life there. I don't know who I am. It is like part of me has died.

On Thursday I wore an "outfit", though I wouldn't call it that, that I would feel fine wearing in Portland. I walked to campus for my class....and I felt like everyone was staring at me. I felt like I didn't belong. Now maybe this is my paranoid sense taking over and just feeling like people in El Paso are less likely to understand me over Reedies. But here...people really pay attention to what is fashionable. It is like they all watch What Not To Wear and take notes rather than picking up a book. I must stop here to say, not all people in El Paso are like that, I am sure, but this is more of a generalization. But when I walk to campus I feel like I reading a fashion magazine. I am brought back to feeling like I am in high school and not good enough, geeky and awkward and ugly.

Working for the military is slightly amusing from time to time. Though...I probably shouldn't say too much because of all the papers I signed and well some of you could be terrorists (or so they say). My co-worker Ignacio and I are fairly similar and he kind of reminds me of Jason. We argue over philosophy and talk about his messed up love/marriage with his lady. He understands me mostly. He told me people come back to El Paso to recharge. He also says the darnest things. I plan on writing them down for posterity or at least to laugh about later. The other day we had security training, which personally I think they should hire me to do these things. If I was in charge of security it would da'bomb (yes I just wrote that, deal with it). I am paranoid and understand how the deviant mind works (hello deviant thinking should be my alias or something). I do however sometimes have ethical issues working for a military contractor. I wish I didn't need money.

The more I think about grad school the more I think about how I am not good enough. My GPA sucks (and I worked hard...really hard). I don't think I am a strong enough candidate. But I don't see any other path in my life right now. I love history.

Also I wish I could fall in love. There have been crushes and flirtations but nobody really serious. Nobody that I could trust. Never having a boyfriend or relationship of the type is hard. I think when your 22 people assume that you have had certain experiences and I haven't. I know what some of you are thinking, big deal, you just weren't ready. But when am I going to stop being not ready, how much longer can I use that as an excuse. Maybe I will never find anyone that I like in that way and that likes me back. I have liked plenty of guys enough to want to date them but they just haven't had the same feelings for me. I wonder if that is how my life is going to be, single and doomed to always be that girl. Girls that never have boy friends or romance exist don't they? I can't be the only one.

I just feel so lost. And I wish Jason were here so I could talk to him and make it feel okay because nobody brings you back to reality like your best friend.